


The Gang Plays Matchmaker

by measleyweasley



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: M/M, birdlaw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2019-11-09 03:22:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17993894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/measleyweasley/pseuds/measleyweasley
Summary: The gang thinks Lawyer's scamming Charlie. They decide to get involved.





	1. Chapter 1

Thursday  
2 p.m.  
Paddy’s Pub

“Guys! You will not believe what I just saw!”

Dennis and Dee turn to face Mac who burst in through the front door.

“What? A man who wants to date Dee?” Dennis gestures towards his sister as one would gesture towards a dead bird they’d found on the sidewalk. Dee gives her brother a scathing look.

“Or maybe he saw you wearing a pair of men’s jeans.”

“Hey! You know that the sleek fit of women’s jeans accentuates my hip bones.” 

“Guys!” Mac shouts over them, trying to pull them out of their sibling squabble. “I just saw the Lawyer making out with Charlie!”

Dennis and Dee both shut up and turn to look at Mac.

“The gay one?” Dee asks.

“Charlie doesn’t really seem like his type. That man clearly prefers otters,” Dennis chimes in.

“You think he’s an otter man? Personally I think a nice twunk would do him good.”

“No!” Mac yells. “The other one, the not-Jewish one Frank thinks is Jewish.”

“Are we talking about that Jewish lawyer? I hate that guy,” Frank says as he appears from the office, toe knife in hand.

“Mac says he saw him macking on Charlie,” Dennis clarifies for Frank, smirking at his own pun.

“That guy? Isn’t he married to a broad?” Frank asks. 

“Yes, but,” Dee says, “They’re getting divorced. He was really torn up about it when we followed him to that motel. Oh! Maybe he’s using Charlie as a rebound.”

“I think we’re missing the bigger issue here,” Dennis says in low tones, trying to commandeer the room. “That lawyer is way too good for Charlie.” The gang tilt their heads in unison. “So what is a guy like that doing with Charlie?” The gang looks at one another with confusion. Finally Mac’s eyes light up with realization.

“This must be a revenge scheme to get back at us for screwing his ass on those copyrights!”

“Precisely, my good man,” Dennis says, relishing the drama of it all. “Charlie is but an innocent and inexperienced man-child. This lawyer’s going to get a leg over on him and tear him apart.”

A pause. 

Dennis rolls his eyes. “Not sexually.”

He’s met with a chorus of “Oh’s” that don’t sound entirely convinced but are too uncomfortable to argue further. 

“Wait, wait, wait, back up,” Frank interjects, “Don’t you think we’re forgetting something?”

Everyone looks at Frank. 

“And what is that?” Dennis asks prissily.

“He’s not gay!”

“Who’s not gay?”

“Jesus, Charlie!” exclaims Dennis, clutching his chest as Charlie approaches the bar, rat traps in hand.

“Well of course Jesus’s not gay, I thought everybody knew that,” Charlie laughs as he sets his traps down on the bar. Even though he didn’t really believe in God Charlie was thankful to have the upper hand in this conversation from his time in catholic school. “He was too busy being a miracle man to bone down on dudes.”

“We weren’t talking about Jesus being gay,” Mac volunteers, “we were talking about-“

“The Waitress!” Dennis interrupts, slinging his arm around Charlie’s shoulders. “Yeah, I saw her holding hands with some girl. How do you feel about that Charlie?” Dennis makes crazy-eyes at the rest of the gang above Charlie’s head in what is clearly a keep-your-mouths-shut-or-I-will-eviscerate-you gesture. 

To their surprise, Charlie shrugs his shoulders. “Good for her, I guess. It explains why she spent so much time dodging me. Anyway, I gotta go take out some rats. I swear those suckers are getting stronger. I think the bleach I poured on the trashcans to keep them away gave them like, super powers. Like Spiderman!” The gang stares as Charlie grabs his rat-bashing stick from under the bar and heads for the basement.

Dee is the first to speak. “Holy shitballs, did you hear that? He didn’t give a shit about the Waitress. Maybe Mac was right.”

“Of course I was right!” Mac scoffs. “I know dude kissing when I see it.”

“I still can’t wrap my head around it. Why would that lawyer bother Charlie? Dee’s the whore of the group.”

“Oh I agree with you Frank. Even Mac would be a better option as he is now out and proud. But like me, the lawyer is a smart man who knows how to ferret out a weak link. I think he’s using Charlie to get to us.”

Frank turns on his barstool. “How do you mean?”

“Remember when that lawyer stole Charlie’s Kitten Mittons? Or when he stole the rights to our marketing ventures? It’s very possible that Charlie’s come up with another stupid invention.”

“Oh! And you think the lawyer’s gonna try to steal that too?” Dee asks. 

“There’s only one way to find out,” Dennis says. “We follow them and catch that scheming lawyer red-handed.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang decides to spy on Charlie and Lawyer.

Saturday  
1 p.m.  
Guigino’s

Mac and Dennis place their orders with minimal insults thrown at their usual waiter and settle in to watch Lawyer and Charlie from behind their tactically placed potted plant.

“So get this,” Mac says, rubbing at his itchy fake mustache. “I was talking to Frank and apparently he overheard Charlie working on a song last night. Do you think maybe Charlie’s working on a new jingle?”

“That would explain why Charlie was so secretive about this rendezvous with the Lawyer. I asked him what he was up to today and he tried to tell me some nonsense about going for a 'Spaghetti Day.'" Dennis shakes his head at the memory of Charlie's cagey behavior. "I bet you he’s meeting with the Lawyer to talk about the jingle and Lawyer told him to keep quiet to prevent us from getting involved. This is only the first step. If I were him, I would use Charlie’s idiocy to scam us for all we’ve got. As long as he’s with the Lawyer our bar is in jeopardy. But never fear,” he declares as he turns to watch the table, “I have a plan.”

Just then the Plan walks over to Charlie’s table. 

“Bro, that’s the Waitress! How did you know she worked here?”

“I have my ways,” Dennis says cryptically. 

“Yeah but how did you know she was going to wait on them?” Mac gives him an assessing look. “You told her you would go on a date with her, didn’t you?”

Dennis glares for a moment at having his mysteriousness ruined but eventually shrugs his shoulders. “It’s not my fault if she never learns. And if I know Charlie there’s no way the Lawyer’s going to be able to pull his tricks while she’s there. Just wait and see, Charlie’s gonna go crawling right back to her and that jingle will be all ours,” he finishes smugly. Mac frowns.

“But don’t you think it might be good for Charlie if-“

Dennis shushes him before he can finish his thought, gesturing toward the scene unfolding.  
***  
“Oh hey, Waitress!” Charlie says, surprised. “Fancy meeting you here! Don't worry, I'm just here for a nice lunch with my good friend Lawyer.” Charlie looks over at Lawyer and beams. 

The Waitress raises an eyebrow. “Your name is Lawyer?”

The Lawyer raises one in response. “And I take it your parents named you Waitress?”

There’s a tense pause where they size each other up. 

"So he's nicknamed you too, huh," she says, still looking at Lawyer. "You better watch out. This little freak will do anything to get to you. You can tell me,” she says with mock sympathy. “Are you fucking him out of pity?”

“Well," Lawyer says evenly, “at least I’m not fucking him out of desperation.”

“I’ve never slept with Charlie,” she says with disgust.

“No, just all his friends,” Lawyer responds, smiling pettily.

“C’mon guys, that’s enough.” Charlie smiles awkwardly, clearly unsure of what’s happening. He tries to change the topic. "I think I'm ready to order. I can't remember though, does the milksteak come with a side of cheese?"

Waitress looks like she's one second away from clawing Lawyer's eyes out and it's tense enough that Charlie can practically hear a crackling in the air between them. He quickly realizes the others can hear the crackling sound, too. They all look down at the table. 

“What the hell is that?” Waitress says as Lawyer pulls a tiny black object out of the leaves of the centerpiece. 

“It seems we have company." Lawyer glances around the room, spotting something that has him pulling the microphone close to his lips and saying loudly, "Hello, Mr. Reynolds!"

‘Son of a bitch!’ can be heard from across the floor, causing all three to look over to see Frank clutching his ear and Dee attempting to hide behind her menu.

“What is this, Charlie? I swear to god if you’ve been recording me-“

“Would you shut up?” Lawyer snaps. “This clearly isn’t about you.” He looks back Charlie, face concerned. “What do you say we get out of here?”

“Sure, man,” Charlie says, all of a sudden looking very uncomfortable. “See you around, Waitress.” He all but runs towards the entrance without so much as a backwards glance, Lawyer following behind at a careful distance.

“In your dreams, Charlie,” she calls after him.

Charlie misses it when the Lawyer turns back and flips the Waitress off.  
***  
“Frank! Dee! What the hell! You totally ruined our operation!” Dennis yells, marching over once Charlie and Lawyer have left the restaurant.

“Your operation? You ruined our operation! What the hell were you thinking bringing that whore waitress into this?” Frank shouts back. “And you, why are you wearing a fake mustache?” 

“I’m incognito,” Mac says. “Duh.”

“Well you look like a pornstar,” Dee remarks.

“I was thinking I would be able to use the Waitress to lure Charlie away from the Lawyer’s clutches and save our bar. What were you thinking?” Dennis puts his hands on his hips.

“Deandra and I thought that if we eavesdropped on their conversation we could figure out what that Lawyer wants with Charlie. But you went and fucked that right up!”

“Guys, guys!” Mac interrupts before they can cause more of a scene than they already are. “We already know what he’s up to. Dennis and I think he’s trying to steal the jingle Charlie’s been working on.”

“And as I was telling Mac before you ruined our plan with your little charade,” Dennis snips, “This jingle is just a stepping stone. If this lawyer has any brains at all he’s seducing Charlie so he’ll reveal our secrets and ruin our business. He’ll be so consumed by lust he won’t even realize what’s happening until it’s too late.”

Dee makes a thoughtful face at this. Dennis notices.

“What are you thinking, Sweet Dee?”

“I'm thinking,” she says slowly, considering, “if we can find a way to break Charlie’s trust in the Lawyer, then he won’t have any reason to work with him. When he sees him for what he really is Charlie’ll come right back to us and that dickhole won’t be able to pull a fast one on us. And maybe next time Charlie will think before letting himself get scammed by a rich handsome man.”

The rest of the gang recognize the deep irony of Dee’s proclamation but they look at each other and shrug their shoulders in acquiescence. Dennis turns back to his sister.

“All right, so say we break Charlie’s trust in the Lawyer. How do you propose we do that?”

Dee smiles slowly. 

“I’ve got an idea.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang confronts Lawyer

Lawyer considers himself a man of strong instincts. It came easy to him, the difference between good and bad, of knowing when a client was being honest or covering up a darker truth. He understands people and their motives. The fact that he hasn’t heard from his secretary in some time means he’s expecting it when the owners of Paddy’s Pub burst into his office. That he could hear them screaming from down the hall was also a pretty good clue.

“Oh, if it isn’t my favorite degenerates. What can I do for you today?” He sits down at his desk to settle in for what is sure to be a headache inducing argument. He isn’t wrong. 

“We just came by to tell you,” Dennis says, settling in across from Lawyer as the gang files in behind him, “that we know what you’re up to buddy. Oh we know you thought you could pull the wool over Charlie’s eyes but we,” he says gesturing to the rest of the gang, “we are not so easily fooled.”

Lawyer sits there for a moment, wondering what’s become of his life as the gang make themselves comfortable. _I went to Harvard_ , he thinks. “As much as I love stealing candy from you babies, thanks again for those marketing rights by the way, what exactly am I fooling you about?”

“Go ahead and play dumb, that won’t change the fact we know you’re using Charlie to get to us,” Dennis says with the confidence.  
Lawyer stares.

“Yeah, we all know you’re banging Charlie so you can take his jingle and steal him away from us,” Dee chimes in, equally self-satisfied with her cleverness.  
And stares.

“And that you’re doing all this so you can steal our bar like you’ve always wanted to!” Mac says, nodding his head with finality.

Lawyer stares some more. 

He opens his mouth then closes it, then opens it again, not sure where to start. The gang look so smug Lawyer’s disappointed it’s not illegal. _I should have gone to Yale._

Finally, Lawyer shifts, steepling his fingers and clearing his throat. He decides to take the direct approach.

“What would I want with you and your disgusting bar?”

“Ah ha! So you don’t deny you’re porking Charlie,” Frank accuses, pointing a sausage finger at Lawyer.

“You are correct, Mr. Reynolds,” Lawyer says, turning to him. “I don’t deny that, because unlike you all, Charlie isn’t a narcissistic megalomaniac who desperately wants to control the lives of the people around him for fear of being rejected. I find that sexy.”

“Oh, do you? Do you find it sexier,” Dennis says, “than this?” He stands and tears his shirt open.

The dulcet tones of "Higher Love" fill the room as Dennis sways over to Lawyer’s desk in what he clearly thinks is a sensual fashion.

“Why have Charlie when you can have a real man?” Dennis purrs, climbing across the desk.

Lawyer boggles. “Are you insane?”

At that moment, the door opens. 

“Hey, man, I hope you’re not busy-,” Charlie cuts himself off as he takes in the tableau in front of him, keyboard tucked under his arm.

“Uh, hey guys. What’s going on? Are you having a party or something?” He shifts guiltily but doesn’t move from the doorway. Startled, Dennis falls off the desk with a surprising amount of grace. Those six years of ballet trained him well. 

Charlie squints. “And what’s with all the glitter, man? You look like one of those pussy vampires,” he says, gesturing at Dennis’s grossly pale chest. 

“I told you we should have let Mac do it,” Dee says. 

“Shut up, Dee,” Dennis spits from the floor.

Lawyer is the one to answer. 

“From what I can gather,” Lawyer says as he stands up from his desk, “your friends here believe that I’ve seduced you in order to turn you against them.” He steps on Dennis’s hand as he crosses the room to stand next to Charlie. “They also believe I’ve made nefarious plans to steal your jingle as well as their business. So they’ve come here, in direct violation of their restraining orders, to seduce _me_ away from _you_.” 

Charlie furrows his brow. 

“But I haven’t written a jingle. Except for the one about my soul spider but these guys didn’t like that one so much.”

“You hear that, you paranoid assholes? Charlie hasn’t written a jingle,” Lawyer says, taking on a tone that says they have the collective mental capacity of one grape. “And Mr. McDonald, if you would so kindly turn off that racket.”

Mac awkwardly presses the ‘stop’ button.

“Oh yeah? Then why did you bring your keyboard with you, Charlie?” Frank asks, pointing at Charlie’s keyboard still under his arm. 

“Because I wrote a new song and wanted to share it with Lawyer here since you guys weren’t around. And-wait, seduce you?” he says, turning to Lawyer. “Is that why Dennis is shirtless?”

“You sure catch on quick,” Dee snarks. 

“Wait, so,” Charlie seems to be thinking hard. He looks up at them. “Were you all going to watch Dennis have sex with my boyfriend?”

The gang shifts uncomfortably as Lawyer preens at being called ‘boyfriend’. 

“Well, no-“

“I wasn’t really going to-“

“To be honest, I didn’t think we get this far.”

“I need to keep an eye on my whores.”

“No, stop stop stop.” Charlie puts his hands up. “That’s weird and creepy but I’m not talking about that. I mean, you all thought Lawyer and I were involved, and you decided that to protect me,” he points to himself, “you were going to ruin my relationship with him?”

They all look at each other.

“Well when you put it like that it sounds kind of bad,” Dee says in a small voice. 

“Did it ever occur to you guys that maybe I like hanging out with Lawyer? That I can like hanging out with people who aren’t you guys all the time? And that maybe other people like hanging out with me?”

The gang’s silence in response to that questions says _yes, that’s exactly what we thought._

“And wow, you guys really thought I was stupid enough to get tricked into screwing you over.”

Charlie shakes his head and smiles bitterly.

“But you know what the worst part is? That you thought I would want to screw you over. Maybe you guys would do that, screw over your friends by sleeping with the people they like,” and he gestures to the sordid scene they make with Dennis still in his torn shirt and Mac holding the boombox to his chest. “You know, like you did with Waitress? But I wouldn’t. You guys are my best friends.”

“Charlie-“

“C’mon-“

“We didn’t mean-“

He turns to Lawyer. 

“Can you call security?”

The gang leaves before Lawyer can finish his phone call.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang hatches a plan.

The gang is gathered around the bar, for once not screaming over each other. They quietly drink their beers as Dennis halfheartedly polishes the bar. Charlie isn’t there. Since the incident in Lawyer’s office they’d barely seen him at all. Frank said Charlie came by that night to pick up a few things and left immediately. He hadn’t been in the apartment all week. He wouldn’t even stay for a game of nightcrawlers.

“I can’t believe he passed up on nightcrawlers,” Mac says with disbelief. 

“Maybe if you bozos hadn’t gone all crazy paranoid on Charlie he wouldn’t be ignoring us,” Dee says with a self-righteousness that Dennis finds unwarranted. He puts down his rag and looks at her, raising his eyebrows in mock surprise.

“Oh, so you think you have nothing to do with this? If I remember correctly, you were the one who suggested we whore me out to Lawyer.”

Dee’s eyes bulge. “You weren’t actually going to have sex with him! We just needed to take a picture so we could show Charlie that his boo thing is a two-timing snake in the grass who doesn’t love him.”

Mac rolls his beer bottle between his hands with some chagrin. “Yeah, well, when you say it like that it doesn’t sound much better.”

“We were just trying to look out for Charlie. He’s a sensitive kid,” Frank says morosely. “But that shyster Lawyer’s completely turned him against us!”

“Frank! Will you get a grip? I know it sounds crazy but I think Charlie actually…likes Lawyer,” Mac says, awkward. He wasn’t one to admit to screwing up but seeing the brokenhearted look on Charlie’s face directed not at Lawyer but at them, like they were the ones who had betrayed Charlie, didn’t sit right with him. “And I think,” Mac adds because he can see Dee about to interject and he wants to make his point before he gets talked over, “I think that Lawyer really likes him back.”

“But why?” Dee scoffs, just like Mac thought she would. Stupid Dee didn’t understand gay affairs of the heart like he did. “I mean I know he’s our friend, but you gotta admit he’s small and smelly and eats cat food. Lawyer could do way better. If I remember correctly, his wife was a hot piece of ass.” Dee nods in that way that shows she agrees with herself, probably remembering the photo on Lawyer’s desk that she wouldn’t shut up about after her and Frank's first failed attempt to seduce him. Mac frowns. Had it been there when they stormed his office?

“Didn’t you tell us she was also an ice-cold bitch?” Dennis asks, apparently on the same page as Mac. Dee makes a noncommittal shoulder shrug. 

Mac perks up slightly. “Maybe that’s it. Maybe he doesn’t want another hot bitchy wife. Maybe he realized he just wants someone nice and not a lady.”

“But surely Lawyer could meet someone just as nice at, y'know,” Dee makes a hand gesture that Mac would guess is meant to convey the concept of knowing, “One of those lawyer clubs or something.”

“’Lawyer clubs’?” Dennis gives his sister an unimpressed look. “I doubt if that man has any friends, much less an entire ‘club’. Considering how much time and effort he puts into screwing us over we’re probably the only social life he has.” 

Mac thinks Dennis has a point but Frank looks unconvinced. “The thing I don’t get is why Charlie? Mac’s the gay one.”

“It’s probably all this raw masculine energy. He couldn’t handle it,” Mac says to Frank as he pushes up his t-shirt sleeve. “Besides, you know I only like beefcakes, and Lawyer’s no beefcake.” Mac flexes. “I could snap him like a twig.”

Mac looks over at Dennis to get confirmation but it's clear that Dennis is getting fed up with this conversation if the way his lips purse is any indication. 

“So we’ve established,” Dennis says, holding up his fingers and counting them off, "that Lawyer must be into men or only into Charlie, that he’s lonely and possibly obsessed with us, and that he doesn’t want to date someone that reminds him of his ex-wife.” Mac thinks that sums it up pretty well but Dennis isn’t finished. “But that doesn't explain what Charlie sees in that asshole.”

“He’s rich.”

“He’s attractive.”

“Dude looks like he hangs major dong.”

Dennis looks at them a little scathingly. “No, not why you would be into Lawyer. Why Charlie would be into him. Charlie can’t even pay for his own apartment and barely knows what kissing is so I doubt that he’s in it for those reasons.”

“Well,” Mac says, tilting his head in a considering gesture. “We haven’t really hung out with Charlie lately.”

“Yeah, cuz he’s been ignoring us,” Dee scoffs.

“No, I mean before that, before we started following them.” Mac is onto something, he’s sure of it. The niggling feeling he got the other week is back in full force and he’s gonna chase this thought as far as it’ll take him. “Remember the other week when we did that carpet scam and didn’t invite Charlie? Or the week before when you guys tricked Charlie into staying at the bar so he couldn’t come with us to Dave and Buster’s?” Mac points accusingly at all of them.

“Hey! It’s not like you wanted him to come with us any more than I did. You know he always gets kicked out for climbing up the skee-ball ramp and we all have to leave early!”

“But it’s not just the Dave and Buster’s or ignoring Charlie thing. Don’t you remember what he said about the last time he thought he had a chance with the Waitress?”

“Yeah! We all banged her!” Frank says matter-of-factly. 

“Correction: You guys banged her,” Dee says with an air of superiority.

“Oh, so are we not counting the incident at last year’s Thanksgiving party when you both did whippets and made out in the women’s restroom?” Mac says sarcastically, tilting his eyebrows up in mock innocence.

Dee turns deep scarlet as she does her best to sound calm. “That’s right, Mac. We are not counting that incident because of the aforementioned whippets.” Mac can feel himself starting to lose the plot and tries to remember the point he was making before Dee made the conversation all about herself and her illicit drug use. Thankfully Dennis comes to the rescue.

“Whether or not Dee specifically banged the Waitress is beside the point!” Dennis interjects, equally fed up with his sister. He turns to Mac. “I think I see what you’re saying, Mac. You’re saying the rest of us have messed up Charlie’s love life in the past by pulling the same stunt we just tried to pull with the lawyer. It’s just that this time the person Charlie is stalking actually likes him back.” 

“Wait. Are you saying we just tried to ruin Charlie’s first and only relationship, but it backfired, and instead what we’ve actually done is ruin our friendship with Charlie?” Frank asks. 

Mac blinks. “Yeah, Frank. That’s exactly what I’m saying.” Mac squints at him as if not entirely sure that Frank hasn’t been replaced by a rational human being with observational skills. The others at least seem to be as stunned as he is.

“Hey!” Frank says defensively, looking at the surprised expressions on their faces. “When it comes to Charlie, I’m no slouch.”

"Well I guess this makes us a bunch of assholes." Now that it’s out there in the open, Mac is upset at this revelation. “Goddammit.”

“What?” all three say in unison.

“Can’t you see? We’ve turned into Lawyer. We’re lonely and pining after Charlie like a bunch of twelve-year-old girls.” 

“So what do we do?” Dennis asks. 

“We do what we’ve always done in situations like this,” Dee smirks triumphantly, “we get even.”

“No! No, we don’t!” Mac shrieks in a Dennis-like manner. “It was your stupid plan that got us into this mess in the first place, Dee! No, what we need to do is win Charlie back. He’s already mad at us and he’s not gonna forgive us if you set his boyfriend on fire.”

“That was one time!”

“I think he’s being serious, Dee,” Dennis cuts Dee off before she can get worked up. “I think we need to find Charlie and…apologize.” He shudders a little at the thought. 

“And how the fuck are we supposed to do that?"

Mac sighs. “I think I have an idea.” Mac steps into the office and returns a moment later, boombox in hand. “How much do you guys remember from the eighth grade winter formal?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang apologizes

It’s Charlie’s fifth night staying at Lawyer’s place and he’s realized two things.

The first thing: Lawyer’s place is much nicer than Charlie’s. 

There’s no cats howling outside his window at night, none of Frank’s hookers hanging out on his couch, and it’s practically spotless. He had been forced to sleep with Frank out of necessity, what with the limited space of the pullout couch. Now that he has room to sprawl out in Lawyer’s ginormous bed he’s finding that he really likes cuddling with his new boyfriend. It’s still weird for Charlie to even think that word but he gets warm tingles every time he does. He even wrote Lawyer a whole song about it but he couldn’t play it for him because the gang ruined the whole surprise with their weird sex thing. 

Not even _Charlie_ has had sex with Lawyer so it was super upsetting for him when they’d tried to get Dennis to bang him. It’s not that Charlie doesn’t want to. As he’d explained to Lawyer on their third date after Lawyer had invited him inside for a nighthat or whatever he’d called it, it’s just that Charlie doesn’t really know what he’s doing. Instead of making fun of him or rejecting him or hiring a hooker for him like Dennis had done when Charlie turned twenty, Lawyer confessed that he didn’t know what he was doing either since Charlie was also _his_ first boyfriend. Charlie had meant that he didn't know how dating or sex worked in general, but he’s glad they’re in the same boat. They’re the only ones in the boat, maybe in the entire ocean if you don’t count the fish and sharks, Charlie thinks. It’s been so long (five days) since he’s talked to the gang they might as well be on a different planet. 

And that makes Charlie think of the second thing he’s realized since staying at Lawyer’s place: He misses the gang more than he expected. 

It’s been weird not seeing them at all this week. After the gang had left the office, boombox in hand, Lawyer had insisted Charlie stay at his place for the time being and he’d accepted. He didn’t really want to be around Frank or the rest of the gang when they were being so mean. But it wasn’t the same without them. 

Charlie hasn’t had anyone to hang out with during the day and Lawyer doesn’t want him doing anything fun like huffing spraypaint in his house. He’d wanted to play nightcrawlers with Frank so so bad when he went to get his extra clothes the other night. He tried to play it with Lawyer but he didn’t really get the game or seem interested in playing. In fact, he’d seemed pretty weirded out when Charlie told him he shared a bed with Frank. But the tense lines around his mouth and eyes had softened with an emotion Charlie couldn’t really place when he explained that Frank paid the rent for them and that Charlie preferred it to being alone at night. 

“Are you afraid of the dark?” Lawyer had asked that the first night Charlie slept over at his place. 

Charlie squirmed a little at the question, unused to being asked anything about himself. “I dunno, I just don’t like it. Sometimes I wish I could see in the dark. Y’know, like a cat! Then I wouldn’t have to worry about like, anybody getting into my room or anything, cuz I’d know they were there.”

The next night Lawyer had a surprise for Charlie. He plugged it in and flipped it on before turning off the bedside lamp. 

“Whoa, man! That’s so cool.” Charlie had been so into the little t-rex shaped light until he’d realized Lawyer probably thought he was being childish.

“Wait, did you buy that because of last night? I’m not a little kid, man. You don’t have to baby me.” 

“I know you’re not a little kid, Charlie,” Lawyer had said patiently. “I bought it so that you don’t bang into the furniture if you need to get up in the middle of the night.” Charlie perked up at that. He could tell that Lawyer was babying him anyway but he also got a little thrill at the thought of Lawyer thinking of Charlie and buying him a present. Charlie was reminded of the worm hat he got for his not-birthday until Lawyer continued. 

“Besides,” Lawyer said in that bright practical tone that had a habit of making Charlie hot and nervous, “if anyone did break in and try to hurt you, I would shoot them.” 

“Really?” He’d said a little breathlessly, unconsciously shifting a little closer to Lawyer.

Lawyer smiled and reached out to lightly caress Charlie’s cheek. “Right between the eyes. They’d be dead before they hit the floor.”

Charlie wriggles just remembering it.

Frank never threatened to shoot people for him. The gang never worried if he was sleeping at night or tried to get him to eat more than protein balls. Lawyer had practically forced him to go grocery shopping the night before, convinced that Charlie’s diet of cheese and beer made his existence “a mystery of medical science.” Still, Lawyer hadn’t protested when Charlie picked out bagel bites and two types of Doritos so he wasn’t too offended.

Charlie snuggles farther into the comforter. Why did the gang always have to ruin things for him? It’s like they didn’t want him to be happy or something. And Charlie is happy. Things have been going so well with Lawyer and he’d been afraid the gang would pull Lawyer away from him with their dumb business plans. Charlie feels instantly guilty for having that thought. No, their plans aren’t dumb. He was just afraid they would mess things up. Charlie thinks with some chagrin that he had been right, just not in the way he’d expected. It’d been going fine for the first few weeks until they’d caught on. Now he couldn’t even talk to them. 

He doesn’t like keeping things from them anyway. If he had just told them then they wouldn’t have tried to spy on them. And from what Lawyer said back in the office, it seemed like they were just trying to protect Charlie in the controlling way they had. Charlie doesn’t think they meant anything by it. They were just a bunch of weirdos who took things too far sometimes. Still, he thinks as he waits for Lawyer to finish brushing his teeth, he just wishes they would apologize for that weird sex stunt so everything could go back to being good again. 

Now, laying in Lawyer’s bed as Lawyer moves to turn off the light, Charlie realizes a third thing: he can hear music coming from somewhere outside.

“What is that?” Lawyer asks, looking irritated as Charlie squints in concentration. They both listen for a minute before Charlie’s face breaks into a crazy grin.

“Dude! It’s Berlin! Oh man, this is such a kick ass song!” Charlie gets up and hurries across the room, shoving the window open so he can find the source of the music. 

He spots it pretty quickly. Parked in front of Lawyer’s house, the cassette player from Dennis’s Jeep is blasting full volume. 

_Watching I keep waiting  
Still anticipating love _

Charlie watches in fascination as Dennis, Dee, Mac, and Frank gracefully flap their arms in time to the music on Lawyer’s front yard. 

“Guys! What are you doing here?” Charlie shouts over Terri Nunn’s crooning. 

“We’re here to win you back, Charlie!” Mac yells up as he executes a surprisingly delicate pas-de-chat.

“And to apologize!” says Frank. 

Charlie, still upset, yells back. “Yeah, you guys have been pretty mean to me lately!”

“We were just afraid you would jeopardize the bar!”

“But I would never do that to you guys!”

Dee twirls. “We know that now! And we’re sorry for doubting you, Charlie!”

By now Lawyer has joined Charlie at the window to see the spectacle happening on his lawn. If Charlie were looking at him he would see him turning an unhealthy shade of purple. 

“WHAT have you done to my YARD?”

“It’s a grand gesture, asshole!” Dennis yells back as he leaps over the flames of the “W” from the “WE’RE SORRY” currently blazing in Lawyer’s yard. 

Charlie turns to Lawyer in excitement. “That’s my dance! They’re doing my dance!” 

“They’re committing arson!” 

_Watching in slow motion  
As you turn around and say _

“We’re sorry for ruining your date!” Frank says, doing his best to attempt a plié. 

Charlie smiles, touched by their effort. It’s like the ending of Say Anything, he thinks, but with more pyrotechnics. He leans a little out the window. “I’m sorry about giving you the cold shoulder! I know you guys were just looking out for me!”

“We were!” They say in unison.

Dee and Frank saute, Dee clarifying as she jumps, “We just wanted to protect you from that asshole Lawyer!” 

“But we support you now, Charlie! We won’t interfere anymore!” Mac declares, producing a mini rainbow flag out of seemingly nowhere and waving it in a circle. 

“And we promise not to seduce your boyfriend again!” Dennis adds. 

“Though we do still think he’s an asshole!” Frank chimes in. 

“For the record, I was far from seduced, you criminals!” There’s a vain throbbing dangerously in Lawyer’s forehead. He goes and grabs his cell phone off the nightstand, presumably to dial 911.

“Oh c’mon, man, it’s romantic!” Charlie says, grabbing his arm before he can hit “call.” “They’ve already burned up your yard. You might as well let them finish.”  
Lawyer looks at him as Charlie gives him his best puppy dog eyes.

_Take my breath away  
Take my breath away _

Just as Charlie predicted, Lawyer’s shoulders sag and he lets out a sigh. Relocking his phone, he turns back to the window and leans out. “If you low-lifes don’t leave the second this little performance is over I’m calling the police!”

“Whatever you say, man!” Mac says, hoisting Dennis overhead.

*** 

Charlie dissuades him again from calling the police when they try to crack open some beers to celebrate making up with Charlie. Lawyer settles for turning on the sprinklers, causing them all to flip him off and call him variations of “dickhead” as they leave. He smirks in satisfaction and heads inside to get a towel for Charlie who’s taken to leaping through the sprinklers like an excited puppy. As he comes back out to watch, Lawyer refuses to find it endearing. Still, Charlie looks happy in a way he hasn’t for the past few weeks. Lawyer hates those meddling assholes Charlie calls friends, hates that they shoehorned their way into their relationship like Lawyer knew they would, but at least Charlie isn’t moping anymore. 

“Man, you gotta try this! It feels so good!” Charlie says to him, leaping through another arc of water.

“I’m good over here,” Lawyer says. 

“Are you? Or are you just afraid of ruining your fancy pajamas?” Charlie teases. 

Lawyer flushes and tries not to fuss with his sleeves. He bought the set yesterday and Charlie’s right, he doesn’t want to ruin them. He hasn’t admitted it to himself that he bought them in an attempt to impress Charlie, the green stripes the same shade of forest green that Charlie loves so much. Charlie doesn’t seem to be waiting for an answer about the pajamas, though. After another minute of dancing around like an overly caffeinated water nymph he comes over to where Lawyer’s been watching from the safety of his porch. He   
shakes his hair out like a dog until Lawyer throws his towel over Charlie’s head and starts to rub vigorously. 

“Hey, hey! Watch it! I was just kidding about the pajamas, man. No need to attack me.” Charlie tries to twist out of Lawyer’s hold but only succeeds in getting the towel looped around his neck. Lawyer uses it to gently pull Charlie closer. 

Lawyer clicks his tongue and uses that voice he knows Charlie likes. “I don’t know, Mr. Kelly. You could be liable for property damage if you ruin these pajamas.”

As expected, Charlie blushes and steps forward in mock-challenge. “And, uh, what are you going to do about it if I do?” Charlie places his still wet hands on Lawyer’s chest. 

“Oh, I think you know.” Lawyer smiles, and kisses him. 

As he feels Charlie’s scruff rub against his face, Lawyer finds that it might not be so bad dealing with the rest of the gang if this is the reward.

End


End file.
